Manatees and Unseen Scars

 My main problem that developed and became worse and worse was migraines. Some of my first migraines started in Florida. I had headaches before, and hangovers that made me swear to never drink again… However, these were WAAAAAY worse. I would wake up, get Rayne ready and to school, then go clean the restaurant for a few hours. I would come home and nap until Rayne needed to be picked up from school. It was the only way to battle the crushing pain. By the end of the nap I was typically more functional and finally on my feet by 4pm. We would make dinner, do chores, make sure homework was finished, then drive up to the restaurant to pick up my husband after closing. Rinse and repeat.

When my husband had days off we would make the most of them. We started playing Pokemon Go the second day it came out, and plus we had amazing locations to be able to access the rare monsters all around us. We spent lots of time outdoors, at parks and beaches catching mons with our son and dog in tow as well. Other times we would go out to the movies, but still, it was very difficult for us to make friends or connections outside of the restaurant crew. Plus being related to the owner made the coworkers treat you differently and feel like they couldn’t speak freely around us anyway. Homesickness was still a very strong feeling and overall feeling that loomed daily. My mother was able to come visit a couple times and she also made sure to zoom chat with Rayne at least once a week, since before the move he had been spending the night with her about once a week as well and they definitely needed their reading time.

We had a friend pass away suddenly and weren’t able to fly back for his funeral, as well as a matriarch and bonus grandma to me from our distant family group passed away as well. Being 1771 miles away was just too far and too expensive last minute to justify the trips there and back. I’ve had to learn how to grieve over distance, alone, and it was tough.

The beauty of the landscape felt like heaven. The beaches, the PERFECT weather! The dolphins and manatees right outside your bedroom window daily! Such a gloriously tamed yet exciting jungle life. I’ve always dreamed I was meant to be by the sea, a mermaid at heart. A scorpio and spiritual water sign and also a hypermobile wreck who only feels zero pain and truly at home in the water. I’ve seen many oceans and felt many beaches, however Florida’s beat them all! The natural appeal is very understandable and greatly enjoyed.

Still. I was not comfortable in my own skin. I tried so hard to fill the void with attention seeking social media and clout chasing for that dopamine rush. Still. I felt empty. Broken even. I kept repeating a word over and over all the time: “shattered” or the phrase: “shattered glass.” I felt like shattered glass. The pain wasn’t the same physical stress, but a lighter more general all-over feeling. I now know that I was suffering from lack of real rest, and WAAAAAY too much caffeine. Rest is the only way my body can catch up on healing the daily micro-tears and slightly extra wear than a normal person would need to deal with.

I was able to reconnect with an old work friend over facebook and we trauma dumped each other SUPER hard. She was only doing some part time schooling and had zero job and zero reason to not be available for me to talk and chat with all day long. I finally felt I wasn’t so disjointed anymore. We would message from morning till night. With both of us on the neurodivergent spectrum, we never had a lack of things to speak about! It was like having a pocket buddy and we supported each other heavily in major times of distress for us both. For her, trauma was something she battled on a moment by moment basis. Even two years past the traumatic event, her nightmares were still making it happen over and over again for her nightly. When we worked together I had been a great mentor to her and as we were now apart, I could mentor her through life while dumping my own troubles out there for distractions as well.

I was feeling like settling might be possible but still could not see any future in Florida at all. Not to mention, the cost of living there was INSANE and with a budding restaurant, there was no way Jacob was being paid enough for us to stay and put down roots either. I was hopeful a distraction would help, distractions seemed really important to making this transition work. I was too hopeful.

I even thought I was pregnant for a while. I was about 2 weeks late on my period and I was starting to feel strong food aversions and headaches constantly. One morning it was so bad I took some ibuprofen and later that day I got my period and cried an entire ocean of tears. I felt like I was at fault for a miscarriage by taking the ibuprofen, without even knowing if I was truly pregnant. Since I also suffered from ovarian cysts, a late period wouldn't even be that weird. I could NOT figure out why I was so very convinced I had been feeling so sure though.

THEN one week later, my bestie texts me saying SHE is pregnant. It all suddenly clicked and made perfect sense. It wasn’t the first time I had predicted something was up with her without being told, especially regarding pregnancy. We also gave birth to our firstborns only 2 months apart, so that connected us immensely and deeply as well going through that journey together at such young ages. The pull home was now stronger than ever.I sent gifts and uplifting gifs but I felt more helpless than I had ever been in my life. I felt like we had our first pregnancies together and I was missing out on this with her too. 

We moved to a condo closer to the restaurant and Rayne switched schools as well. No longer did I have insane long commutes with our one car. Rayne and I found a park we loved near the restaurant and would go shopping together often to keep busy. He would stay up late with me watching Survivor so we could go pick up Jacob at closing time. When we lived with Jacob’s in-laws Rayne was able to go to bed at a normal time and stay home while his grandparents stayed with him and ate their dinner post their loooong day shifts. Luckily Rayne was still easy to get up and ready for school. He didn’t mind it too much since it was just routine. There was a cook who would talk video games with him sometime and he loved going up there to chat and chill after the restaurant closed. He also didn’t have a great time making friends, having to switch schools every single year he had been in school so far did not help that fact one little bit either. The restaurant work got tougher and tougher and I was so sad about our situation all the time seeing my family’s struggles too.

We planned a visit back to Oklahoma that summer, around my bestie’s due date. And after two WEEKS of labor, her beautiful daughter was born! We were able to come down that very next week to visit that spectacular bundle of joy. She was a perfect newborn and it was so heartbreaking to know we would have to turn around and leave again shortly… Simple life just seemed so much less stressful. It just seemed logical to go back to less demanding jobs, the cheapest cost of living, and be surrounded by a support system of family and friends. So, we made a plan. Before the start of the school year we would move back again. Monotonous retail was the mind-numbing desire we craved post the high-stress, high-intensity situations we had been living/working in at the fast paced restaurant. It had been two years and we felt like we had done what we had set out to do, help get the restaurant on its feet.

 

2017